So yeah, I turn 30 years of age tomorrow. Sorta sucks but oh well it could be worse...I could like boys. Anyway, after watching and reading about this Volkswagon commercial I've found my new calling in life. I'm going to live my life like the great Jeffery Lebowski. I've always loved The Big Lebowski. It is in a direct tie with Pulp Fiction on my greatest films of all time. I can't exactly live my life like Vincent Vega going around shooting kids heads off, shooting up Heroin and trying to shoot my load in Marcellus Wallace's wife. I think my life might be cut short that way. But the Jeffrey Lebowski way could mean living a full stress free lifestyle. His way of living with no worries and drinking White Russians sounds like a great way to spend the next 30 years. So if you see my out and about wearing a robe, drinking White Russians and telling stories about when I was with the Seattle Seven, think nothing of it. I'm just practicing my new religion of "Dudeism".

This was written a few years ago...so mom...spare me. Also, I blame this on Oster. Everyone who knows Oster knows he can't handle his liquor and besides he didn't have a car. This was his 1st night back from his 1st tour of Iraq so who can blame us for a little impaired judgement. It was his fault I got pulled over but it was his work in the military that got me out of it too. Without further ado, my last run in with the coppers!



"Walk nine paces turn around and walk nine paces back. Heel to toe." This was my last and final sobriety test.

It all started with a weekend visit from Oster in which he came for a two week Vay-K from Iraq. The night started with a few drinks and a trip to a local Pub which knows Oster and I well. After playing some pool and shuffleboard and talking about poon and laughing about the 400 lb gorilla that left the biggest shit splatter in the restroom we were on our way to a fun evening. Oster proceeds to explain to us his next tattoo of a Scorpion and the meaning behind it. It goes as so…..

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you won't try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you won't just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drowning frog's back.

"It's my Nature", said the Scorpion..."I could not help myself. I am what I am."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

Proceed to 4 cranberry and vodkas, a couple rounds of Jagerbombs, shot of Ice 101, beer, blah blah blah later. Oster gets the idea of fully stocking the fridge full of beer and needs me to stop at a gas station before the bars close. I proceed to the gas station and put it in park and as luck would have its way with me I look in the rear view mirror and low and behold flashing lights. Quick....I grab every mint in my pocket....because everybody knows I carry an assortment of mints and gum on me especially when I'm drinking, and shove them in my mouth. I've seen the MythBusters about there isn't anything that can cover up a breathalyzer but fuck, what would anybody else do? The officer goes through his song and dance and asks for the usual License and Insurance and explains that I was being stopped because I was going 35 in a 25. At that moment, I couldn't help but think of those alcohol commercials where the obvious drunk guy rolls down the window and booze pours out.

He asks me to step out of the car and he proceeds to tell me his other song and dance that my eyes are little blood shot and a 'hint' of alcohol from my breath....which I know is bullshit. My breath smells like a Wintergreen Giant dropped a load in my mouth. He asks me to step out of the truck and perform a sobriety test. You know when you were younger and you would practice these tests when you were drunk? Well back then the whole thought of losing your career or paying 2000 dollars doesn't really have that sharp of edge as it does now and the fact is, this time its for real. I was completely honest with the officer and told him how Oster just came back from Iraq today and he couldn't drive so I was forced too. "He had a gun to my head officer. I swear! I didn't want to drive!" Should of said it..but didn't. I don't know if my preamble was helping or hurting but here comes the eye exam. At that moment with a flashlight in your eyes you start to say a little prayer to yourself like GOD if you're really there I need some serious fucking help now. "Follow it all the way out." he said. He told me that a couple of times like I'm a fucking Iguana and my eyes can go out that far. I swear he was going behind my head. Alright, I think I did pretty good on that one. Now on to stage two, stand on one foot with your hands down and count...one one thousand...two one thousand until he tells me to stop. I got all the way to one 26th one thousand before he told me to stop. I was thinking I did a fairly descent on that one too. Final test, heel to toe nine paces and turn around and comeback. Did it and I was money. Thank God. He comes to me and asks would I submit to a breathalyzer. I swear I wanted to point to my cock and say I'll give you a breathalyzer......right here, but this was serious so I didn't. When a cop asks if you want to take a breathalyzer you know the first thing that pops in your head is, "What if I say no?" Well in this case I can save that line b/c he informed me he wasn't going to give me a ticket for DUI! He said I was borderline but I passed. Right then the weight of 2000 George Washington's lifts from you and a smile comes over your face and you say yeah I'll blow...you know, I have to see what I was. So the magic number comes back a .146! Almost twice the limit. I'm not bragging or complaining but I think I composed myself pretty well.

He tells me to get in the vehicle and comes back and writes me a ticket for speeding. He proceeds to tell me that his younger brother just got back from Iraq and he was out doing the same thing a couple of weeks ago. So in true Maryville fashion…Oster goes into the convenient store and comes out of the convenient store with two arm loads of liquor and we walk the two blocks to my house. Nothing is funnier after the fact as walking down the street with arms full of booze after almost getting a DUI! I know it sounds terrible but sometimes the best thing to do is laugh…and get more drunk. That cop had to be thinking…"What an asshole!"

So yesterday, I was thinking about Oster's little fable that he is contemplating tattooing on himself. I thought about how that officer couldn't possibly be a scorpion could he? I know living in Maryville for the better part of a decade that officers, usually take it to the uttermost extreme and think their cock grows when they have the chance to fuck a person over.

On the other hand, it's sometimes hard to fathom that maybe the fable is true. I have had past relationships, whether it be past girlfriends or friends, that you thought you knew a person but in the end they were the scorpion after all. In the end, their true colors came out. The problem with the whole scorpion and the frog story is it didn't take anytime for the frog to get fucked over. In life, it usually takes some invested time in being with a person to truly get hurt. The bad part is if they do jam that stinger in your back it hurts that much more and takes that much longer to get over. Now I'm not trying to say that scorpion wounds can't heal, but I do think it takes some time for the 'sting' to fade away and hopefully by that time you both haven't drowned.

Moral of story: In life it might suck to get fucked over but it's a lot better than getting your ass pummeled in a jail cell by a guy named Richard Cheese!

I, like most men, hate peeing in the toilet. I really don’t like anything about it and think it takes away from man’s ability to mark his territory. First off, like most men in the mornings, I’m rocking a chubby and have to disgrace myself by sitting on the toilet. It beats doing a hand stand. Secondly, I have to take proper aim every single time. There isn’t a honing device on my wang. I have minimal control of where it’s going to shoot. Most of the time, it’s right on but every once in a while my cock likes to play games and shoots off at a 45 degree angle soiling the rug, toilet paper holder, toothbrush, etc.

You might ask, “Where the hell are you going with this?” Well to curb my aiming problem I like to take “Ol’ One Eye” outside on the deck and let it fly. Well you would think this was a quick fix but actually just led to another problem. Apparently my piss is at least one part Round Up. I was always under the impression that pee helped plants grow! Well after picking weeds in the garden this past week, I’ve found that my excrement is some sort of burn everything in its path General Sherman mega piss.

This is a healthy Purple Coneflower.

This is a Purple Coneflower killed by my devil piss.

Apparently the ammonia, salt and mass loads of creatine in my pee destroys plants and subsequently leaves behind a smell of…..well piss. Lesson learned, I guess. Now I’ll just go back to what the masses are doing and use the damn toilet again.That's, of course, you hire my services to come over and piss in places you want to kill some weeds. In that case, It'll be twenty bucks an hour and all the beer I can drink!

As many of you know, Chipotle for me is sometimes the only reason I wake up on Saturdays. My body is now trained to salivate and crave Chipotle after a hangover. So I did a little research and decided to find out how much I'm putting into my belly. After tallying up my weekly ritual it's roughly calculated to 765 calories, 325 calories from fat and on top of those 36 grams of fat. Awesome! How in the world could a person not love a 20 oz burrito? In order for me to burn this off I would have to have sex (intercourse) for approximately 2 hrs or have sex (foreplay) for 332 minutes or 6 hrs and 32 minutes. That is a calloused tongue waiting to happen! Another alternative is lifting weights for approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes. For me, I personally enjoy doing all of them so I figured it out. On a Saturday, to burn off my fatty wrapped burrito I will embark on trying to have sex (not with myself...although that might be the only choice) for 1 hr., foreplay for 1 hr. and lift weights for 1 hr. All of those activities combined are equivalent to burning 832 calories. 832 calories minus 765 calories = 67 calories burned! Whoohooo. Perfect...I think I can get used to that diet. I will call it the Slender Sander Diet and write a book, make millions and do infomercials explaining how I made millions. Unfortunately, I have about as much chance of having sex for an hour as I do winning the fucking Powerball. My woman sure is lucky!

If you love the Chiefs...guilty. If you love The Office...guilty. Although not as much as my sister, she is incredibly gay when it comes to The Office. To tell you the truth, The Office has ran its course and really sucks. In fact, I would venture to say that I would rather watch that overly gay show True Blood. Talk about getting sucked "literally" into another stupid fucking vampire show. I'm guilty of watching it only because there are usually naked woman in it and they are usually having orgies. Anyway, I digress. If you like the Chiefs and The Office then this video is for you. Enjoy yo' self!

The powers of advertising on human beings is an overwhelmingly apt example of how fragile our minds are. Take this ad for Tom Ford cologne for example. That bottle is selling perfume/cologne. Now, obviously, I have no idea what the hell this shit smells like and if I had it my way there would be a scratch 'n sniff sticker on it. Anyway, back to the point, I have no idea what this shit smells like, nor do I care. All I know is that when I think of Tom Ford cologne/perfume ... I'm thinking about vagina. That's it. Game over.

Girls, you wonder why men are horny savages just trying to find a vagina to call home? It's because of ads like these that go and twist our minds. It's really not even fair. We are genetically inclined to ponder not what the cologne/perfume smells like but what does that object behind the bottle look like. Can you imagine the possibilities of what you could advertise with this picture? The possibilities are endless. I bet my far left eyelash on my right eye that you could put Save-On orange popsicles (the ones that always leave the paper sticking to them and taste like orange juice that has been left in a car for two weeks) in place of the cologne/perfume and men (and some women) everywhere would have freezers full of shitty popsicles. That my friend is a world I want to live in!

My sister told me today that I didn't blog enough. I told her to eat shit and die! No not really.

Guess what America? We are a bunch of fat, obese, tub of lard, beefy, bovine, elephantine, gargantuan, butterball, and whale like people. I just read an article here that says 2/3 of Americans are either overweight or obese as defined by their Body Mass Index (BMI). That to me is embarrassing. Now I might step on a few toes here but I'm not as fat as you and it won't hurt as much. Besides, this is my blog, and I can say what I feel and if you don't like it then go munch on some bacon.

Let’s start off by saying I don't care if you're fat. I really don't. I have friends and family who both are overweight. If you're happy in your skin then by all means I'm happy for you. I really truly am. As long as you don't screw with my life in any way negative I don't care how fat you are. What I can't stand is the overweight person who self loathes about their life and what they can or cannot do because they are a fat ass. Did you ever think that you're depressed because your fat and you're probably fat because you’re depressed? Did you know that exercising actually can help with depression? You realize that most people don't like working out? I don't especially love to work out and it sometimes can be taxing with all my other extracurricular activities but I always seem to find a half hour or hour to get in a workout. I sit at desk for 8 hours a day. If I didn't do something I would be one of the 2/3 of American's that I'm talking about. I love the effect of working out but actually going to the gym to workout sucks. I'll tell you what though...I've never heard a person leave the gym wishing they didn't go to the gym. NEVER!

Also, I love the person who blames society for their weight problems. It is true that junk food is usually cheaper than nutritional food but did you ever think that maybe you don't need 400 lbs of junk food. It might actually be a good thing to buy less food that is more nutritious that might cost a little more. Do you ever notice when you're grocery shopping what people have in their cart or how many carts they have? I love seeing the obvious obese person with a cart full of junk food. In fact, one of my fondest memories of working at Wal-Mart was this morbidly obese tub of shit in his electric cart. He came into the electronics section with his basket full of Doritos, pop, frozen pizzas, etc and knocked off a clip-on of some piece of shit that we were selling from one of the corners of the aisle. Then he had the audacity to ask me if I was going to pick it up!

Fat people shouldn't get carts at Wal-Mart. They need to walk. In fact, they need to walk a lot. The never ending cycle of excuses coming from their filthy sewers really annoys me. If your knee, hip, ankle, legs, and everything in the middle hurts when you exercise, you're not alone. I work out almost every day and I'm hurt almost every day but I don't quit working out! If you have some type of medical problem that makes you gain weight, then you're still not off the hook. You can work out still and eat healthier. You're gaining weight because you're trying to live a lifestyle and keep the same body type as you did when you were 20 but things change. You have to adjust to what you're body is telling you.

Come on America, the day and age of being fat isn't a sign of wealth and prestige anymore. It is actually quite opposite. Find a hobby that keeps you active. Make goals and reward yourself when you reach your goals. If you're single then it gives you every bit of reason to work out. I will guarantee the attention you get when you're in shape will more than double. You become more confident and confidence is sexy. If you are overweight and I offended you then I apologize but I won't take back anything I've said. I challenge you and everybody else to become more active in your everyday life. Put down the pop and get your ass outside, or don't, and go buy a carton of Basics and smoke your ass down to being skinny!