I, like most men, hate peeing in the toilet. I really don’t like anything about it and think it takes away from man’s ability to mark his territory. First off, like most men in the mornings, I’m rocking a chubby and have to disgrace myself by sitting on the toilet. It beats doing a hand stand. Secondly, I have to take proper aim every single time. There isn’t a honing device on my wang. I have minimal control of where it’s going to shoot. Most of the time, it’s right on but every once in a while my cock likes to play games and shoots off at a 45 degree angle soiling the rug, toilet paper holder, toothbrush, etc.

You might ask, “Where the hell are you going with this?” Well to curb my aiming problem I like to take “Ol’ One Eye” outside on the deck and let it fly. Well you would think this was a quick fix but actually just led to another problem. Apparently my piss is at least one part Round Up. I was always under the impression that pee helped plants grow! Well after picking weeds in the garden this past week, I’ve found that my excrement is some sort of burn everything in its path General Sherman mega piss.

This is a healthy Purple Coneflower.

This is a Purple Coneflower killed by my devil piss.

Apparently the ammonia, salt and mass loads of creatine in my pee destroys plants and subsequently leaves behind a smell of…..well piss. Lesson learned, I guess. Now I’ll just go back to what the masses are doing and use the damn toilet again.That's, of course, you hire my services to come over and piss in places you want to kill some weeds. In that case, It'll be twenty bucks an hour and all the beer I can drink!