The grossest thing I've ever seen in my short 29 years happened back in college. I went to a small university in Maryville, Missouri that had very minimal places to work. I tried for over 2-3 years to find a job that was flexible enough to support my school and party lifestyle. Unfortunately, this limited my options to almost one. That "one" happens to be what many people know as "The Evil Empire." That's right. I got sucked into the blue abyss and wore a stupid blue vest that had the words "How May I Help You?" screen printed on the back. More often than not when I got cornered to helping somebody you could take the words written on that vest rearrange them and put the words "Fuck" and "You" and tattoo it on my forehead. My mother has always said that I wear my emotions on my face. I'm terrible at poker.


I worked in electronics. Which wasn't too bad considering that I worked with two of my roommates and a couple of other pretty cool guys that also got sucked in like a penny under your seat on "Clean My Car" weekend, or if your my girlfriend, your yearly car cleaning. After coming in on a Saturday morning at 7....that's right...7 am, you can imagine how I felt. Look, I was in college. Working at Walmart meant working until 9-930 pm during the week, having a little meeting to discuss how much we all suck for working at Walmart and getting dismissed. Dismissal might as well have been a starter gun going off and seeing the mad dash of 20 somethings rushing down to the beer aisle and picking up a 12 pack of Nattie Light. 5 dollars and 87 cents meant a night of drinking and not remembering things so that was the drink of choice. We worked at Walmart for crying out loud! People who bought anything other than Natty Light took the risk of getting their beer ambushed after they had a few and getting pissed about it but if they took a couple of your Natty's who cares. But I digress.
Friday nights you got drunk even though you knew you had to be at work Saturday morning at 7. Saturday mornings basically was spent trying to look like you were working instead of actually working. In fact, people actually hid or would take approximately 4-5 breaks that equaled somewhere around the 2 hour marker through out the day. So after putting my weekly 7-4 shift on a shitty Saturday, I walk into the back and take off that vest, throw it in my 12 x 12 inch locker and walk out. Just as I'm ready to walk through those sliding doors of freedom it hits me like a sack punch from a pissed off mule. Imagine if you will a 75 year old, white haired, wrinkly skin, severely obese woman, wearing a green thin dress that looked like it had the texture of 80 grit sandpaper. In her hands were her dentures and she was eating the food that was stuck in between her false teeth. Actually, just typing this image is making me gag. I remember take a double and triple take and either I was still numb from the previous nights Natty or just didn't realize what I was looking at until I passed her. But just thinking about her eating the leftover corn on the cob that she ate for lunch and now enjoying it again makes me want to throw all over this keyboard.
So there you go people. I shared with you the grossest thing I've ever witnessed. Feel free to comment on the grossest thing you've ever witnessed. This is my first blog of hopefully many. I'm inspired by my little sis, who is the best writer I've ever known. You can check her work out at http://dualori.blogspot.com.