This was written a few years ago...so mom...spare me. Also, I blame this on Oster. Everyone who knows Oster knows he can't handle his liquor and besides he didn't have a car. This was his 1st night back from his 1st tour of Iraq so who can blame us for a little impaired judgement. It was his fault I got pulled over but it was his work in the military that got me out of it too. Without further ado, my last run in with the coppers! "Walk nine paces turn around and walk nine paces back. Heel to toe." This was my last and final sobriety test.
It all started with a weekend visit from Oster in which he came for a two week Vay-K from Iraq. The night started with a few drinks and a trip to a local Pub which knows Oster and I well. After playing some pool and shuffleboard and talking about poon and laughing about the 400 lb gorilla that left the biggest shit splatter in the restroom we were on our way to a fun evening. Oster proceeds to explain to us his next tattoo of a Scorpion and the meaning behind it. It goes as so…..
One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.
The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.
Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.
"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"
"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you won't try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.
"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"
Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"
"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"
"Alright then...how do I know you won't just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.
"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"
So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.
Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.
"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"
The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drowning frog's back.
"It's my Nature", said the Scorpion..."I could not help myself. I am what I am."
Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.Proceed to 4 cranberry and vodkas, a couple rounds of Jagerbombs, shot of Ice 101, beer, blah blah blah later. Oster gets the idea of fully stocking the fridge full of beer and needs me to stop at a gas station before the bars close. I proceed to the gas station and put it in park and as luck would have its way with me I look in the rear view mirror and low and behold flashing lights. Quick....I grab every mint in my pocket....because everybody knows I carry an assortment of mints and gum on me especially when I'm drinking, and shove them in my mouth. I've seen the MythBusters about there isn't anything that can cover up a breathalyzer but fuck, what would anybody else do? The officer goes through his song and dance and asks for the usual License and Insurance and explains that I was being stopped because I was going 35 in a 25. At that moment, I couldn't help but think of those alcohol commercials where the obvious drunk guy rolls down the window and booze pours out.
He asks me to step out of the car and he proceeds to tell me his other song and dance that my eyes are little blood shot and a 'hint' of alcohol from my breath....which I know is bullshit. My breath smells like a Wintergreen Giant dropped a load in my mouth. He asks me to step out of the truck and perform a sobriety test. You know when you were younger and you would practice these tests when you were drunk? Well back then the whole thought of losing your career or paying 2000 dollars doesn't really have that sharp of edge as it does now and the fact is, this time its for real. I was completely honest with the officer and told him how Oster just came back from Iraq today and he couldn't drive so I was forced too. "He had a gun to my head officer. I swear! I didn't want to drive!" Should of said it..but didn't. I don't know if my preamble was helping or hurting but here comes the eye exam. At that moment with a flashlight in your eyes you start to say a little prayer to yourself like GOD if you're really there I need some serious fucking help now. "Follow it all the way out." he said. He told me that a couple of times like I'm a fucking Iguana and my eyes can go out that far. I swear he was going behind my head. Alright, I think I did pretty good on that one. Now on to stage two, stand on one foot with your hands down and count...one one thousand...two one thousand until he tells me to stop. I got all the way to one 26th one thousand before he told me to stop. I was thinking I did a fairly descent on that one too. Final test, heel to toe nine paces and turn around and comeback. Did it and I was money. Thank God. He comes to me and asks would I submit to a breathalyzer. I swear I wanted to point to my cock and say I'll give you a breathalyzer......right here, but this was serious so I didn't. When a cop asks if you want to take a breathalyzer you know the first thing that pops in your head is, "What if I say no?" Well in this case I can save that line b/c he informed me he wasn't going to give me a ticket for DUI! He said I was borderline but I passed. Right then the weight of 2000 George Washington's lifts from you and a smile comes over your face and you say yeah I'll blow...you know, I have to see what I was. So the magic number comes back a .146! Almost twice the limit. I'm not bragging or complaining but I think I composed myself pretty well.
He tells me to get in the vehicle and comes back and writes me a ticket for speeding. He proceeds to tell me that his younger brother just got back from Iraq and he was out doing the same thing a couple of weeks ago. So in true Maryville fashion…Oster goes into the convenient store and comes out of the convenient store with two arm loads of liquor and we walk the two blocks to my house. Nothing is funnier after the fact as walking down the street with arms full of booze after almost getting a DUI! I know it sounds terrible but sometimes the best thing to do is laugh…and get more drunk. That cop had to be thinking…"What an asshole!"
So yesterday, I was thinking about Oster's little fable that he is contemplating tattooing on himself. I thought about how that officer couldn't possibly be a scorpion could he? I know living in Maryville for the better part of a decade that officers, usually take it to the uttermost extreme and think their cock grows when they have the chance to fuck a person over.
On the other hand, it's sometimes hard to fathom that maybe the fable is true. I have had past relationships, whether it be past girlfriends or friends, that you thought you knew a person but in the end they were the scorpion after all. In the end, their true colors came out. The problem with the whole scorpion and the frog story is it didn't take anytime for the frog to get fucked over. In life, it usually takes some invested time in being with a person to truly get hurt. The bad part is if they do jam that stinger in your back it hurts that much more and takes that much longer to get over. Now I'm not trying to say that scorpion wounds can't heal, but I do think it takes some time for the 'sting' to fade away and hopefully by that time you both haven't drowned.
Moral of story: In life it might suck to get fucked over but it's a lot better than getting your ass pummeled in a jail cell by a guy named Richard Cheese!
