I, like most men, hate peeing in the toilet. I really don’t like anything about it and think it takes away from man’s ability to mark his territory. First off, like most men in the mornings, I’m rocking a chubby and have to disgrace myself by sitting on the toilet. It beats doing a hand stand. Secondly, I have to take proper aim every single time. There isn’t a honing device on my wang. I have minimal control of where it’s going to shoot. Most of the time, it’s right on but every once in a while my cock likes to play games and shoots off at a 45 degree angle soiling the rug, toilet paper holder, toothbrush, etc.

You might ask, “Where the hell are you going with this?” Well to curb my aiming problem I like to take “Ol’ One Eye” outside on the deck and let it fly. Well you would think this was a quick fix but actually just led to another problem. Apparently my piss is at least one part Round Up. I was always under the impression that pee helped plants grow! Well after picking weeds in the garden this past week, I’ve found that my excrement is some sort of burn everything in its path General Sherman mega piss.

This is a healthy Purple Coneflower.

This is a Purple Coneflower killed by my devil piss.

Apparently the ammonia, salt and mass loads of creatine in my pee destroys plants and subsequently leaves behind a smell of…..well piss. Lesson learned, I guess. Now I’ll just go back to what the masses are doing and use the damn toilet again.That's, of course, you hire my services to come over and piss in places you want to kill some weeds. In that case, It'll be twenty bucks an hour and all the beer I can drink!

As many of you know, Chipotle for me is sometimes the only reason I wake up on Saturdays. My body is now trained to salivate and crave Chipotle after a hangover. So I did a little research and decided to find out how much I'm putting into my belly. After tallying up my weekly ritual it's roughly calculated to 765 calories, 325 calories from fat and on top of those 36 grams of fat. Awesome! How in the world could a person not love a 20 oz burrito? In order for me to burn this off I would have to have sex (intercourse) for approximately 2 hrs or have sex (foreplay) for 332 minutes or 6 hrs and 32 minutes. That is a calloused tongue waiting to happen! Another alternative is lifting weights for approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes. For me, I personally enjoy doing all of them so I figured it out. On a Saturday, to burn off my fatty wrapped burrito I will embark on trying to have sex (not with myself...although that might be the only choice) for 1 hr., foreplay for 1 hr. and lift weights for 1 hr. All of those activities combined are equivalent to burning 832 calories. 832 calories minus 765 calories = 67 calories burned! Whoohooo. Perfect...I think I can get used to that diet. I will call it the Slender Sander Diet and write a book, make millions and do infomercials explaining how I made millions. Unfortunately, I have about as much chance of having sex for an hour as I do winning the fucking Powerball. My woman sure is lucky!

If you love the Chiefs...guilty. If you love The Office...guilty. Although not as much as my sister, she is incredibly gay when it comes to The Office. To tell you the truth, The Office has ran its course and really sucks. In fact, I would venture to say that I would rather watch that overly gay show True Blood. Talk about getting sucked "literally" into another stupid fucking vampire show. I'm guilty of watching it only because there are usually naked woman in it and they are usually having orgies. Anyway, I digress. If you like the Chiefs and The Office then this video is for you. Enjoy yo' self!