I wasn’t always perfect!! It’s true. Hard to admit or even fathom but this body took some work to achieve. Of course, this is all tongue in cheek….well part of it. In fact, just like most people there are times when I have a blemish or two. Yeah, it’s sad to say that at the age of thirty I haven’t quite gotten rid of my pubescent skin. It isn’t like I have zits all the time but every now and then one bundle of joy pops up and needs to be dealt with. I really don’t know what it is about the women in my life that seem to try to pick at the slight imperfection on this chiseled mass of twisted steel and sex appeal but if there is any hint of oil and dirt in a pore on this body my lady makes sure I know about it.

It isn’t like she walks by me and says, “Nice zit Jerk Face!” It isn’t anything like that, although she does call me Jerk more than by my first name of Stallion. It’s more like when I take a shower and she comes in to watch the droplets of water curve down my body, she grabs me and just when I think I’m going to get some serious hotdog to donut action, she shifts me towards the light and starts squeezing the living shit out of me. If I attempt to move or get away, she calls me every vagina name in the book. It isn’t good for my ego to squirm like a girl so I stand there, squint, curse, and wait for her to say, “Got it!” This usually is followed by an obscenity laced sentence that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush, followed by me running to my room to get a shirt on. This isn’t just my lady…I guess fiancé, news on that at another date, but I’ve had past relationships where the girls seem to get off seeing things shoot out of my body (other than my anaconda) and putting me through intense pain.

I guess this is it. I’m getting married and just like marriage, I will be squeezed through pain for the rest of my life. Maybe by the age of 40, I won’t have clogged pores. I probably won’t have a physique worthy of a Greek God either. That’s why people get divorced at 40, no physique and no zits. Shit.

I have been having this recurring dream that I’m being bit by a snake. Last night I fought a snake that could twist and jump around the room and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get a stick over its head to cut its head off. I fought this snake for hours in a very dark room, with dark shudders and terrible fluorescent light.

The snake bit me in three places, the hand, shoulder and foot. I think it was a venomous snake but after giving up and leaving, I guess for the hospital, I realized the pain wasn’t that bad and that I was going to live. I seem to have these dreams a lot where no matter how hard I try I can’t kill or hurt what is attacking me.

I have had another recurring dream where I have to fight off a man but no matter how hard I try I couldn't bring myself to beat his brains in. I associate this and the snake together and for some reason I can’t bring myself to end its life.

I found an article written by Gillian Holloway, Ph.D. She states that being bitten by a snake as meaning different things. She says, "In many dreams a single snake will come to bite you, and you may in fact be bitten after a brief struggle. To your amazement though, you will not die, and may find that the situation is not as bad as you thought."

According to Holloway you have this kind of dream if you are struggling with some problem, relationship or challenge. "Such a snake-ordeal is an important signal that you are going through a kind of initiation; a psychological and spiritual trial that has the potential to change your life for the better if you deal with it bravely and with a clear heart. You may have to give up something you thought you couldn't, or take a stand for your principles or faith."

I take this as meaning a couple of things…either that spitting cobra on Man vs. Wild really got to my inner subconscious or as most of you know by now, I’m engaged. HOLY SHIT!! MARK SANDER IS ENGAGED!!!??? I’m happy I’m engaged though, but I do know relationships are a challenge. I’m not stupid enough to think that we’ll always get along and not fight with each other every now and again. Relationships are sticking through the tough times and meshing them with the good times so one day you can look back together and say, “WE ROCK! LET’S GO BANG WRINKLES!”

On a brighter note, I had a dream one time that I had my head between Jenny McCarthy’s legs and I woke up with a whole bottle of Elmer’s glue in my underwear. BOOM! Where the hell did those dreams go?